Super Mario Bros. (1985)
From submitter Clement, we received this scientifically exhaustive (and wholly accurate) report on one of the most classic (and apparently criminally overrated) games of all time:
I awoke this morning with the sudden realization that a ? Block is just a crate with a pressure-sensitive opening mechanism. After rigorous testing, I found that the widely revered Super Mario Bros. rates only a 1 on the objective StC scale.
Game Boy, 1990
Soukoban greeted the ’90s with a zestful embrace: On Game Boy, wearing its baseball cap backwards.
One of the great (failure)s.
BIT.TRIP Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien (2013)
Bit.Trip Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien manages not only to provide a nearly impossible to not cut-and-paste title but also a rare glimpse at game so bereft of distraction the crates appear on the level-select screen, with a helpful arrow, JUST IN CASE you didn’t notice.
Hotline Miami (2012)
Sometimes at the Start to Crate Chronographic Research Laboratory you start to get paranoid, and think, ‘they’re messing with us’. The player is rewarded for speed, right? Completing the levels as BRIEFly as possible? No?
Please take this game away from us.
Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft (2014)
The introductory cinematic is about opening a magical crate of cards. If that doesn’t reassure you that you’re in for a mediocre Warcraft experience, I don’t know what else could.
Dark Souls Revisited - A Crateure Compendium
Though we here at Start to Crate have taken a look at Dark Souls already, with the imminent release of the sequel, we thought it was worth one last (death-filled) visit to explore the inventive, mind-bending designs of the notoriously challenging adventure in crate-smashing.
Note: Each crate will be presented in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2nd Edition) format so you can include them in your pen & paper Dark Souls adventures at home!
Gets the job done.
Never actually contains anything fluid under any circumstances.
Frequency: Common (never less than 3)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
For when the security provided by finely-coopered iron rings isn’t enough.
What dwells within? COFFINS.
Climate: Painted Worlds
Drops: Nothing, ever.
Climate: Abandoned Giant Habitations
Intelligence: Super Genius
What are they keeping in these? FIREWOOD?
Climate: Spooky Libraries
Type: Not A Crate
Crusader Kings II (2012)
Looks like you can’t marry your way out of this one, Matilda of Tuscany!
The Stanley Parable (2013)
Wait… I get it now… we ARE the crate?
Wait… I get it now… we’re IN the crate?