Super Mario Bros. (1985)
From submitter Clement, we received this scientifically exhaustive (and wholly accurate) report on one of the most classic (and apparently criminally overrated) games of all time:
I awoke this morning with the sudden realization that a ? Block is just a crate with a pressure-sensitive opening mechanism. After rigorous testing, I found that the widely revered Super Mario Bros. rates only a 1 on the objective StC scale.
BIT.TRIP Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien (2013)
Bit.Trip Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien manages not only to provide a nearly impossible to not cut-and-paste title but also a rare glimpse at game so bereft of distraction the crates appear on the level-select screen, with a helpful arrow, JUST IN CASE you didn’t notice.
Hotline Miami (2012)
Sometimes at the Start to Crate Chronographic Research Laboratory you start to get paranoid, and think, ‘they’re messing with us’. The player is rewarded for speed, right? Completing the levels as BRIEFly as possible? No?
Please take this game away from us.
Dark Souls Revisited - A Crateure Compendium
Though we here at Start to Crate have taken a look at Dark Souls already, with the imminent release of the sequel, we thought it was worth one last (death-filled) visit to explore the inventive, mind-bending designs of the notoriously challenging adventure in crate-smashing.
Note: Each crate will be presented in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2nd Edition) format so you can include them in your pen & paper Dark Souls adventures at home!
Gets the job done.
Never actually contains anything fluid under any circumstances.
Frequency: Common (never less than 3)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
For when the security provided by finely-coopered iron rings isn’t enough.
What dwells within? COFFINS.
Climate: Painted Worlds
Drops: Nothing, ever.
Climate: Abandoned Giant Habitations
Intelligence: Super Genius
What are they keeping in these? FIREWOOD?
Climate: Spooky Libraries
Type: Not A Crate
Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons (2013)
Pulling a veritable Dark Souls on us, Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons (good on you for not putting a colon in there, Starbreeze) teases the StC research team by showing us a sack and a cart before the tutorial even begins, and hints at a clay pot before unleashing the dreaded ‘Wooden Barrel which sits inside a man’s home, blocking a bookshelf for some reason’ in the first cutscene, barely a minute after the game begins.
The game narrowly escapes a tutorial penalty and jumps to an early lead for Game of the Year 2013!
Despite the crate divide betwixt the Hardcore leetz and the Casual noobs, Dishonored hangs its head in defeat to both varieties of gamer by presenting its first crate (and barrels to boot!) before the player can even select their difficulty option.
X-Com: Enemy Unknown (2012)
A tutorial. In a warehouse. Crates. Barrels. Space boxes. Mysteriously tarped-over bundles (other crates). Like one pallet in the whole place.
The enemy isn’t unknown, X-Com. It’s you.
Couldn’t leave well enough alone, eh Fez? A game about finding magical puzzle cubes, 6-sided multi-dimensional figures and a helpful prismatic companion, and you nevertheless had to go ahead and just say ‘A CRATE?’ for your obvious button-pressing puzzle.
The StC scoring committee revokes your score and awards you a zero for unmiscrateable puzzle hints.
A question was recently brought up. Both Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite start with the player character going through a small box of stuff. Do these boxes qualify as crates?
Without a doubt any wooden box the player will root around in for goodies IS a crate, and all of the perfect scores that Bioshock Infinite (2013) has received are merely a result of the Video Game Review Industrial Payola Crateplex triumphing over scientific fact.
Start to Crate Community Callout: In the interest of holding Science above Ken Levine’s Randian Will to Power and Positive Reviews, we here at the Start to Crate team would like to officially solicit some well-composed and objective screenshots of the introductory crates of all three Bioshock titles, preferably in jaw-dropping HD.