Hope your holidays are filled with loot!
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt (2015)
StC: -2 (Introcrate Design Penalty)
The latest entry in The Witcher series seems to have given fans something to crow about… but we here at STC are concerned they may have really cocked things up. This game could have easily received a full -5 penalty score, if not for the few precious seconds of darkness before the first crate, replete with rooster, fades in from black during the introductory cutscene. With a lower StC score than its sexy predecessor, whether the rest of the game will rule the roost or fall afowl of the fans remains to be seen…
Goat Simulator (2014)
StC: 17.35
Intrepid Start To Crate submitter Nep used Twitter to supply this fractional rating, along with a screenshot of a capra aegagrus hircus artfully positioned by some arcam ligneum.
@Goat_Simulator @StarttoCrate: 17.35s
— nep (@thugdoubt)July 26, 2014
.@Goat_Simulator @StarttoCrate pic.twitter.com/YLZlmECKCL
— nep (@thugdoubt)July 26, 2014
Of course, should another ambitious member of the Start to Crate Junior Commandos™ produce a quicker result, we are prepared to strip Nep of his otherwise chronologically and scientifically perfect result.
Eights months later, we finally got around to posting this excellent submission. Tempus Edax Rerum. Remember, the Start to Crate Laboratories need support from viewers like you!
Super Mario Bros. (1985)
StC: 1
From submitter Clement, we received this scientifically exhaustive (and wholly accurate) report on one of the most classic (and apparently criminally overrated) games of all time:
I awoke this morning with the sudden realization that a ? Block is just a crate with a pressure-sensitive opening mechanism. After rigorous testing, I found that the widely revered Super Mario Bros. rates only a 1 on the objective StC scale.
Thanks Clement!
Boxxle
Thinking Rabbit/FCI
Game Boy, 1990Soukoban greeted the ’90s with a zestful embrace: On Game Boy, wearing its baseball cap backwards.
One of the great (failure)s.
BIT.TRIP Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien (2013)
StC: 0
Bit.Trip Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien manages not only to provide a nearly impossible to not cut-and-paste title but also a rare glimpse at game so bereft of distraction the crates appear on the level-select screen, with a helpful arrow, JUST IN CASE you didn’t notice.
Half-Life 3 (2014)
StC: 0
When the founding fathers of Start to Crate research work on a project, you know they’re going to toy with audience expectations, but a surprise release with such a mind-blowingly confident crate statement was the last thing we expected.
(Photo: Dan Snow Stoneworks (dansnowstoneworks.com) Crates: Anchuelo via http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89244)
Hotline Miami (2012)
StC: 17
Sometimes at the Start to Crate Chronographic Research Laboratory you start to get paranoid, and think, ‘they’re messing with us’. The player is rewarded for speed, right? Completing the levels as BRIEFly as possible? No?
Please take this game away from us.
Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft (2014)
StC: 0
The introductory cinematic is about opening a magical crate of cards. If that doesn’t reassure you that you’re in for a mediocre Warcraft experience, I don’t know what else could.
Dark Souls Revisited - A Crateure Compendium
Though we here at Start to Crate have taken a look at Dark Souls already, with the imminent release of the sequel, we thought it was worth one last (death-filled) visit to explore the inventive, mind-bending designs of the notoriously challenging adventure in crate-smashing.
Note: Each crate will be presented in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2nd Edition) format so you can include them in your pen & paper Dark Souls adventures at home!
Standard Crate
Climate: Town/Dungeon
Frequency: Common
Organization: Hierarchical
Gets the job done.
Standard Barrel
Climate: Town/Dungeon
Frequency: Common
Morale: Fanatic
Never actually contains anything fluid under any circumstances.
Rope Barrel
Climate: Dungeon
Frequency: Common (never less than 3)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
For when the security provided by finely-coopered iron rings isn’t enough.
Long Crate
Climate: Dungeon
Frequency: Uncommon
Religion: Nil
What dwells within? COFFINS.
Snow Barrel
Climate: Painted Worlds
Frequency: Rare
Drops: Nothing, ever.
Brrrr!
Temple Crate
Climate: Abandoned Giant Habitations
Frequency: Ultra-Rare
Intelligence: Super Genius
What are they keeping in these? FIREWOOD?
Lectern
Climate: Spooky Libraries
Frequency: Rare
Type: Not A Crate
